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I thought it was supposed to get better with time? I don’t feel any better. In fact, I feel 4 different things and better is not one of them. I tried! really hard too…
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I’ve noticed it’s generally easy for me to change bad aspects of myself especially when there’s really good reasons to do so. It may take me time to actually realize these problems but when I see them, I think about them and I think about how it will benefit me, or whoever, if I do. I’ve also noticed that I’m quite good at seeing the true reasons for my flaws and finding the root of them which not only helps me to change them, but to also avoid them in the future. In the last few months I’ve been working really hard on a large flaw of mine. I’ve been working on becoming more emotionally stable. I never fully seen that I was this way and that caused me to do, act and say things that I thought weren’t a problem, but I ended up hurting someone I care deeply about. In the last week, I’ve been super depressed and was thinking about this and I finally see why I acted so dumb in my relationship. Why I was so immature and why I found it nearly impossible to mature with that relationship. “She” was but I was to focused on trying to stay in the beginning stages of a relationship and I regret the way I was. I was also too jealous of nothing! and I was too smothering. The reason was because I was always afraid to lose her and well, I pretty much have :( I want to being able to explain to her the root of that. I’ve become A LOT more emotionally stable then I ever was and I only wish she could know that. If I was then who I am now, that relationship would’ve been perfect. She was perfect but I wasn’t…
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
“This Isn’t Rocket Surgery” - We Are The In Crowd
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Shit, how am I supposed to chill with someone when they’re drunk? It’s going to be so annoying especially in public. There’s a reason I said no when I was offered a beer. A shitty ending to a shitty week :(
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God damn it I really need someone to talk to. I’m about to snap :(
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I feel so depressed lately for a few reason such as this stupid job that I hate with a burning passion and spend most of the days contemplating ways to get out other than the direct approach of quitting. I really do hope they don’t need me anymore and I don’t have to go back monday. There is also the obvious, which is about a particular person. I want so badly to have the past again with changes to myself. I want it to be a more mature relationship for 2 reasons. 1) She would benefit from that very much and I like that thought and 2) I’m past the stupid “puppy love” phase and arguing over stupid ass shit (which I’m fully aware was my fault everytime :P). My mind was too ”high school” to realize it would’ve been better if I chilled a lot and stopped worrying so much. The jealousy and fights were all dumb and childish of me. The relationship part wouldn’t happen for a while, if ever, but I pray it does. Besides that, I am sad because she became not only my love, but my best friend. The person I could openly share a problem with and be comfortable doing so. The 1st person to hear the good (and bad) news, and the person I had lots of fun conversing with everyday. I may not know what the future holds between the 2 of us, however, what I do know is I want that best friend back. Let any romantic feelings be put aside until she is done with the stresses of school and her future. I may want to be the second half to that future but for now, I want to be a part of her present. I just know we both have some good shit to talk about and laugh about! I really miss those lame-ass jokes that seem to make me crack up even in the most stressful situations :D What else can I say? I do love her and I do enough to put all that relationship stuff aside and make her laugh instead. I want to get rid of her stresses, not cause them :)
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Fuck it! I’m so sick of being subtle in my posts because I’m afraid of people knowing how I feel. It’s not about what job I have now or for the rest of my life that matters, not the money, the places I live or any materialistic things that matter to me. There’s only one thing that truly matters or should I say one person. One person that I really care about so fucking much. One person that can in an instant change my mood from sad to happy with a single text and a call? Well, I get stupidly happy. She knows me far better than my own family and better than someone I’ve known for 11 years. I was always so afraid I’d lose her because of something that happened a few years back involving a specific family member hurting me. This fear caused me to fuck up in ways I could’ve avoided. I felt the only way to not lose her was to be with her as much as possible. Well, that and I just have loads of fun with her. This caused her to feel suffocated and made her feel trapped with no freedom and I couldn’t see that. I was too stupid to notice and that pushed her away and I realize this now when it might be too late. I was willing to sacrifice so much to be with her, but non of that mattered if she had no freedom. I want to be with her, but be better than I ever was. I know it sounds impossible that someone could change in such a short period of time but I have. She would have the best and easiest life with me, that’s my word. There is absolutely no sacrifice that I wouldn’t make to be with her. I’m still willing to do it all but I don’t know how to tell her or show her any of this. I miss her with all my heart. I didn’t lie when I said I’d always love you… <3